Burnout

Whilst I strongly believe that there are many benefits to the transition of menopause, I'm not going to sit here and preach that its all roses and sparkles.

Walking through this change in life is hard for so many different reasons.

Physically things are going haywire as our hormones and endocrine system struggles to re-balance itself causing no end of 'physical' symptoms that we have to navigate through.

They can be bad enough, but then when you couple them with the mental and emotional side of things then oh boy! What comes at you is a tsunami of changes, that at the very least overwhelms and at worst sucks you under until you can barely breath.

All the while you are expected to get on with life as if nothing is happening; work, family life, keeping the home running, all without missing a beat. Oh and deal with the big life changes that conveniently coincide with this time in a woman's life. You know - children growing and stepping out into the world on their own for the first time, and the ensuring sleepless nights that involves. Not to mention declining parents, caring for them, and then the subsequent loss of those parents.

They say you need to put on your own oxygen mask first, but seriously, how many of us can actually see said oxygen mask, let alone get it to our face in time.

With hindsight, I can safely say that these times pass and that we do come out the other side stronger and more self-assured than ever. But, it is one big 'shit-show' to go through, and the burnout we suffer from trying to do it all on our own is very real.

I can't talk for the empty nesters amongst you. My babies have always been of the furry and feathery kind so I've never had to deal with them heading off into the world on their own.

But, I do know what its like to care for ageing parents with dementia, and then the aftermath of losing them.

Having to be your parents advocate and make their decisions for them is a very strange shift in the child/parent dynamic. Add to that the times when those decisions are against what you know they wanted for themselves (like going into a care home), and the guilt piles on.

I have to say that walking with both my parents through the last years of their lives, and then being my dad's main carer when we lost mum, was the hardest time of my life. I battled through so many emotions during that time; seriously wish I had brought shares in a tissue company! I had to face up to so many of my own judgements and perceptions, and then let them go, in order to step up and be able to bear the brunt of their last years. Especially with my dad.

I said at his funeral that loving my mum was easy. She was soft, loving, and everything a mum should be. Love for my dad was messy, complicated and oftentimes disappointing. But I couldn't walk away, and so I did what I had to do to look after him, and not tear myself apart in the process.

We all go through stories with our parents. Journeys that ultimately lead us to the end of their lives. Its a privilege to be able to be their for them, as they were for us at the start of out lives. But there is no denying that it rocks your world when they are gone.

I've spoken to girlfriends and female clients and they all say the same two things. That you feel adrift without their anchor there, and that you are all too aware that you are next. That you have stepped towards the edge of the cliff and there is no-one in front of you anymore. Its a sobering thought.

It will be 5 years this year that my mum went, and 2 years since dad, but I still think about them on a daily basis. Their loss still hits me at the most unusual times. But I don't often talk about the emotional side of it, because heck, everyone is dealing with something and who wants another sob story to listen to.

But, we should. We should acknowledge the hole they leave. We should acknowledge the depth of emotion we go through caring for them and losing them. We should give ourselves grace that we have the strength to care and nurture when its truly needed. That is the gift of being 'woman'.

And we certainly should talk about it more and support each other more as we go through the journey. Because if we don't we burnout. We are only human, and there is a limit to what we can carry on our own.

We were once surrounded by so much more community than we are today. Supported through life's trials by women who had already walked that path. Its our role, and its one that we are good at.

But modern living divides us. Keeps us in our separate spaces, waging our own battles lest we are seen as 'weak' if we ask for help.

We need to change, to go back to how we used to be. Supportive, and held in community when needed. To have others to put on our oxygen masks when we can't do it ourselves.

To me this is one of the gift's of menopause. Realising just how bloody brilliant woman are, and how showing up for each other is what we carry us through.

Mid-Life Magick is about building that community.

What do you think and what do you want to see, what would be the thing that helps you most?

Helen x